Anxiety Disorder

Last night, I had one of those anxiety dreams. I showed up to a chemistry class and it was a mid-term I had no idea about and was asked to draw the molecular structure of some sugar... I'm not even sure I'm saying this right because it's been 15 or so years since I last had to do anything that involved a periodic table and molecules.   Fear and anxiety gripped me in my dream.  I could literally feel my brain working twice as hard to churn out the image of some molecule. I felt embarrassed and humiliated I didn't remember my midterm, or the contents thereof. The angst and agony was intolerable.  Then, the utter relief when the alarm rang, and I awoke.

Many people I know have had some iteration of this dream.  The details are different, but it's typically set in school, some event that sets off butterflies in your stomach and you're mortified at your inability to perform.

I try to remember this feeling when I see students whose primary complaint is school-related anxiety.  In my line of work, I've met students who have literally shown up in my office right before an exam shaking, or throwing up, or have hands so cold and clammy and their faces so pale you'd think they saw a ghost. The cynic in me always questions if it is real or if the student is faking it or if such anxiety could really exist.  And then it does hit me:  I've always been pretty good at school. If I get a bad grade, it's usually because I didn't study.  School was not a scary, unkind place for me. And yet, I still get these anxiety dreams where I wake up relieved to find out I did not have a test that I forgot about.  The anxiety must be a million times worse for students who have not had the smooth sailing experience I had in school.

I know some students have anxiety or develop it because of the high stakes nature of tests and exams.  When I first started work as an educator, I equated a high stakes exam with the SATs, or LSATs, or GREs, or MCATs.  I've since come to realize that for many of our students, high stakes isn't just one of those acronymed tests, but every single mid-term or quiz or final could be a high stakes exam.  I really understood this when a student I worked with stood to lose financial aid, his income and possibly housing, if he didn't pass his accounting course; a student I'm working with this quarter stands to lose her health insurance if she doesn't get a pass in her math requirement- a really big deal if you are chronically ill with a debilitating disease. High stakes at the community college really takes on a whole different meaning.

Other students develop what I call school-related PTSD as a result of their experience in elementary and secondary school.  They didn't read at grade level, or could not keep up with math, or always tank standardized tests and exams.  People tell them they are smart, but the tests always say otherwise. Or they're the ones that teachers pick on- "Sit down", "Don't squirm", "Pay attention", "Don't be careless.", "Read carefully", "Try harder". What happens afterwards is this: I see perfectly smart, bright students second guess themselves in exams.  

"I think the answer is (B), but I'm always wrong, so it must be (C)."
                   
                                 "Where's the trick in this question?"

"Can it really be this easy?  I must not be seeing or understanding the question correctly."

All this second guessing results in a bad grade, and the anxiety ensues. 

There was a time when I wished we had some superpower to fix, tutor and remediate all of these students' anxieties away.  But a really wise colleague of mine (Margo Dobbins) once said it's not  the content of the class that matters, but the contact with the student.  Coincidentally, this quote from Maya Angelou surfaced on my Facebook newsfeed this week:

So I guess what I'm trying to say, in this albeit long-winded way, is that I remember this the next time a student freaks out in my office, or cries over an exam or worries out of control.  I hope they leave feeling just a little less anxious.

PS: If you want to learn more about anxiety disorders, here are some totally scientific, peer reviewed links that I think are awesome.
Panic Disorder
Test Anxiety
Facts about Anxiety
Reducing test anxiety=> I really like this one.  It's produced by ETS, the same folks who produce the SATs.


                     "

American Sniper

Have you seen this movie?  I haven't. But many of our veterans have. And if you come to the VRC sometime, you'll hear that it opened up old wounds and brought back memories they want to forget.  You'll also hear that as much as the movie brought back bad memories, our vets were more hurt and upset by comments and jokes from other movie goers about the value of this war and how worthless it was.

"Doesn't it mean something to people that I was willing to give my life, even for this worthless war, so that they don't have to?"

So if  you are planning to watch the movie, will you keep in mind that there may be servicemen and women in the movie theater? And that whatever your opinion is about the war, or the military or the politics about the war, you should remember that there might be someone in the movie theater who did live through that experience, did see his/her buddy blown up to shreds, who still continues to live with survivor's guilt and a multitude of physical and emotional injuries.

If you have watched the movie, or want to watch the movie, may I invite you to the VRC at Foothill to talk to a vet about their time in the military?  Listen to their experience and perspective on what it was like out there?  Or perhaps start a conversation with a veteran you meet about life after combat? If you need some help, like I did, here's a good video to help you out.  Thank you.

Got Access?

I suppose in this very first blog, I should explain why I named this blog Access to Learning. Actually,  I've had this blog site for a while (several years in fact), but between work, kids, and all the craziness that we call life, it sat empty.  I got the idea for this blog when I was teaching in the Transition to Work (TTW) program at Foothill.

Teaching in this program got me thinking about all of the benefits that the college experience brings to students.  TTW is a program serving young adults who have developmental disabilities. Most of our students won't ever go on to earn a 2 year degree or vocational certificate.  Our best graduates get jobs at retail stores or at the local cinema as ushers. Others wind up as volunteers with non-profit agencies folding mailers, looking after animals or shelving books.  These are, by no means, your poster children for student success.

And yet, every year, at graduation, parents and our alumni gush at their accomplishment of finishing one year at Foothill.  "My son has friends!", "My daughter loved going to school and she has never loved school ever", "She's taken Caltrain to Foothill the whole year and never got lost!". Two years ago, one parent had tears in her eyes because that was the first time her son was asked to speak on behalf of the class. This young man, who rarely speaks at home and went to therapist after therapist to get him talking, nailed his presentation in front of an audience of 200.  

That got me to wondering why this group of young adults always get left out of college.  No one ever recruits them, they don't see college counselors in high school (I suppose the assumption is that they'll never go anyway). Instead they have transition specialists, job coaches, to help them transition out of school to "life". In other words, as soon as high school's over, their access to formal education, is gone. If you are a parent of a child with special needs, this is the day you dread the most.  What are they going to do?  While everyone else has access to some form of education beyond high school, this very group that needs it the most, has virtually none.  It really infuriates me- those who need school and education the most, get shut out.  The smartest and brightest are always going to land on their feet. It's those who can't, that we need to help, who need this access. 

So why Access to Learning? Why the blog you say? Well, I really wanted a place to document  and record the stories of these students- not just TTW students, but many of the at-risk students I work with.  Some have pretty severe disabilities, some are veterans who can't understand civilian life, and some who just plain drive you crazy but you know have no where else to go. I hope to do them justice by telling their stories, and while everyone else has their had wrapped up in big data, I hope no one forgets those who never quite make it into the dataset.